It’s been over a week since I posted about my trip to Kentucky. I’ve thought about at least doing my weekly posts, My Week in Books, Movies and TV and What’s Good in Tater Town, but never got to the point of opening the laptop. I may be wrong, but I feel like I’m posting less on my personal Facebook page. I still look at social media a lot, but I’m not as engaged as I used to be. I don’t know if it is the stress or depression or the shorter days but I just feel the need to mostly hibernate and withdraw from the world.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m reading more. I read the new John Grisham book in one weekend. I finished Mobituaries by Mo Rocca. It was very good and allowed me to bore people with odd facts from the book. I’m caught up on more of my TV shows. I’ve watched a lot of football. All good things to help take my mind off of how bad my normal day has become.
I have left the house, My book club went to see a movie in Baltimore and then played Cards Against Humanity. The movie was Parasite. It was very good. I highly recommend it. I would have won Cards Against Humanity but they kept changing the final score needed to win until someone finally passed me. I plan on filing a complaint with the league office. I will leave the house again for book club next month. I also hope to get someone to go to some sort of Christmas lights or market thing with me.
I am hibernating. I’m not staying away from the world completely. I’m just shrinking my circle and trying not to let social media idiots add to my stress. I will try to start posting more here. I just need to decide where I’m going with it so I don’t become the person who just posts about being stressed.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I struggled for a bit with being in the right frame of mind to write anything. I struggled with thinking there was no point in posting anything because no one cared anyway. My days were(are) sometimes stressful and demoralizing. I needed a break.
Fortunately, I decided a couple of months ago to take the day after Veteran’s Day off and take a short trip to visit family in Kentucky. I found a very cheap flight($90 round trip) on Spirit Airlines. I was able to pack all of my stuff in a backpack that counts as a personal item and I let them pick my seat so I had no other charges. Both flights were on time or early, the crew was friendly and the seats were comfortable. I would recommend them for anyone who is fine with no frills, no snack flying.
I got there early Saturday morning and spent the day at a school watching my niece’s 8th-grade basketball team play. Doesn’t everyone fly hundreds of miles to watch middle school basketball? I did go out to lunch between games, so I had that going for me.
Sunday my sister came over to my brother’s house, we grilled out, hung out and played Scatergories. This gave us the funniest part of the trip. One of the categories was states. My niece rolled a K and wanted to roll again saying “There aren’t even any states that start with K!” Remember, we were in Kentucky…
My brother took Monday off. We went out for breakfast. We went bowling. I won. We stopped for coffee. We played Madden on his old Play Station. I lost. We went out to dinner with a friend from high school. We went to another middle school basketball game and then drove home in the snow. It was a good day and really made me want to retire. It was much better than going to work.
On Tuesday I drove to my hometown. It had been a while since I’ve been to my hometown. I walked around downtown a little, had lunch with my sister, and got a doughnut at the new doughnut place in town. I went to the public library to see how much it has changed since I was a kid. I stopped for coffee at a new coffee place in town and then headed back to my brother’s to get ready to go to the airport. Since my niece’s game was canceled that night we had time to meet my other niece for dinner before my flight.
As you can see from my very boring synopsis, it was a nice, stress-free four day weekend. I really needed it. I really need to retire so my life is more like that on a daily basis.
We will see if it has revived me enough to feel like writing more. The stress came back strong.
I stayed up late last night watching the Ravens beat the Patriots on Sunday Night Football. I got a little less than seven hours of sleep. That’s not terrible. I would like to get eight hours, but if I can hit seven I feel like I’m OK. A little less than seven and I’m verging on struggling the next day. So, I started out the day in a less than stellar way. It went downhill from there.
I just deleted a paragraph because I don’t think I should write about why this Monday was a very Monday Monday for reasons mentioned here.
It’s very hard to come home and write anything when your day sucks. It used to be that the blogging helped me deal with the stress of the day. Now the stress of the day is winning and I spend a lot of time staring at a blank screen. It’s also hard to write when you are boring. If I could think of interesting stories from my past it would be easier. I have no interesting stories left.
So, I can’t write about my stress because I’m not anonymous. I have no interesting stories to tell. I guess I need to do more posts about politics or TV or just give up.
Here are some other things I’m done with.
People who don’t do much but spend a lot of time talking about how much they do.
People who don’t know how to do things telling those who do them how they are doing them wrong.
People who ignore you until they need something from you.
People who make their own rules and use those rules to not do things until such time they want to do those things and then say the rules don’t matter.
Being an afterthought, forgotten and ignored(again until they want something from you or what to tell you how you’ve done something wrong).
Not getting enough sleep due to a combination of stress, anxiety, and pets that need to go outside way too early.
Multiple days a week when the thought of leaving the house makes you sad.
The inability to do anything to change the fact that leaving the house makes you sad.
Lack of respect for the work you do or have done.
Summer heat and humidity.
Driving in general.
People who write whiny lists about what they are done with.
People who end a sentence with the word with.
I’ve had a series of unsettling dreams lately making for mornings with an unsettled mind. Most of the time, I forget the details of the dream before I am coherent enough to make note of what the dream was about. A couple I do remember:
A Pet Sematary inspired dream where all the people around me had changed into Pet Sematary type people.
Me promising to resign from my job because they won’t let me hire the person I want for my vacant position and realizing they probably wanted that to happen.
The rest I can’t remember at all. I just remember waking up and feeling stressed and unsettled. Some ideas on what is causing the stress:
The first person I hired as a new supervisor resigned and moved to Florida. I lost a friend and employee, work is harder because we are short-staffed and I will have to hire someone new soon. As you can see from the above dream I seem to be more concerned about being allowed to hire who I want.
I have applied to two different jobs. One a promotion at my current place of employment and one a position at a different place. I think the stress of possible upcoming interviews has started seeping in.
A paranoid thought yesterday brought on by an email that made me think that perhaps I can’t trust people I thought I could trust.
My daughter going back to school soon leaving me once again with hours alone to fill.
My son getting close to starting his first real job after college and considering where to go to grad school.
A lot of little things adding up to my mind obviously being unsettled and affecting my dreams.
When I was in college I worked at the university library. For a while, I was one of the people who arrived before the library opened to get ready for opening. We didn’t have a staff entrance. We entered and exited out the front doors. When I would arrive in the mornings there was always a couple of students waiting at the doors for the library to open. Many times they would try to follow me into the library and I would have to stop them. This process is the origin of the stress dream I’ve had off and on for years.
At some point in my time at the university, I started dreaming that I arrived at the library to open and there was a large crowd waiting to enter. I would unlock the door to go in and try to lock the door behind me but the crowd would surge forward. There were too many of them for me to keep out. Eventually, there would be hundreds of them surging forward and taking over the library.
I thought that dream would stop after I moved away and left the university. I was wrong. I’ve had some version of that dream at every library I’ve worked at since. I’m writing about it today because I had the dream last night. Last night’s dream was not an opening of the library dream, but a closing the library dream. The library I was at was a weird hybrid of my current branch and the old version of my former branch but all of the people were my current coworkers. It was time to close the library. Someone else was supposed to lock the doors and clear the library. For some reason, they left and left me behind without doing either of these. I had people in the library who wouldn’t leave and more people trying to come in before I was able to lock the doors. For some reason, there was also someone there to fix the building alarm at the same time. Eventually, someone came back to help me clear the building and lock the doors.
I’m never sure what prompts the return of the dream. I used to joke that the dream was a sign that it is time for me to leave the job. The new wrinkle in the dream would probably prompt a therapist to see abandonment issues. Any dream interpreters out there?
It’s Monday. It’s Monday and it’s dreary and rainy. It’s Monday after my alone weekend with no obligations. It’s Monday and I’m working 1-9 instead of my normal 9-5 so I have more time to dread rejoining the real world. It also gives me more time to decide to write about some personal struggles of late.
The real world has not been great lately. It’s been a tough couple of years. Tomorrow is the two-year anniversary of my mom’s death. A month after my mom’s death I accepted a transfer to a new job and left the place I had worked for 15 years. Changing jobs that soon after was probably not a great idea. I wonder if my mental health would be better if I had done my mourning in the more comfortable confines of my old job and with my friends there. The good thing about the change was and is the shorter commute. The shorter commute gave me more time with my daughter before she left for college. Now, less than two years after the other major life changes, my youngest kid has gone to college and we are empty nesters.
So, in two years – death of a loved one, job change and our youngest kid moved away. A lot of sadness and stress coupled with more time home alone. Unfortunately, more time home aloe means more time to dwell on the stress and the sadness. I have trouble leaving the stress of work at work. So, I end up at home alone for two hours with the stress of work added to the loneliness of having no one at home to talk to. I should probably find reasons to leave the house and occupy my brain to distract myself from the stress, but it’s easier to sit on the couch and watch TV.
So, what do I do? Leave the house when I get home, even if it is just to take the dog for a walk. Figure out a way to leave work at work. Decide if the stress is enough to consider another change. If so, be willing to do what it takes to make that change happen. Consider taking the step of finding a therapist to talk through my issues. Win the lottery so I never have to go to work again.
I know that I’ve posted pictures from two different trips this summer. I know that as far as my job goes I’ve been on vacation twice this summer. I know that this means that no one will feel bad for me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I need a vacation.
I can’t find the post I read that talked about the difference between a trip and a vacation, so I can’t link to it, but I agree. I have been on two trips this summer. I loved the trip to England and Paris. I loved spending time with my family. I loved having both of my kids on the trip. I loved visiting all of the sites. It was also very tiring. It started with a long flight from Baltimore to London. Every day we were there, we had specific things on outr schedule to make sure we saw everything we needed to see. We had a schedule to follow. Some days were very long days. It then ended with another long flight back to Baltimore. The second trip was accompanying my wife on a work trip to India. If you’ve read this post you know that was not relaxing. It also involved even longer flights to and from DC.
Most summers we try to take a trip as a family. We love to travel and I wouldn’t give up my trips. The difference most summers is that we also take trip home to Kentucky to visit family. These visits are different and more what I would call a vacation, not a trip. For the most part, we don’t have a schedule while we are there. We might have a few things we want to do while we are there, but there is no specific time or day we need to do it. I send a good amount of time relaxing and reading a book while we are in Kentucky. Sometimes I go see a movie, sometimes I don’t. It depends on my mood and what’s showing. We spend time hanging out in my brother’s pool. We wake up when we wake up and go to bed when we feel like it. There is no rushing around. There is no place we have to be and no specific time we have to be there. This is vacation.
This is what I’m missing this year. Time to relax and refresh. I am now less than three weeks away from my daughter moving away to college. I’ve started thinking about the possibility of a career change. I’m finding it hard to turn my mind away from the stress of life and work on my off time. I need the relaxing time away to help turn my mind off. I’m not going to get it this year so I need to learn to “vacation” on my time away from work, even if I am just sitting in my house. Next time I take time off it will have to be more vacation and less trip.
My daughter finishing high school means that there is an upcoming graduation ceremony. A graduation ceremony means company is coming. Company coming means while everyone else was enjoying the unofficial start of summer, I was trapped in cleaning hell. All day, every day was spent cleaning. There were a few breaks in the cleaning for other stuff.
Friday – I worked all day on Friday, so it’s not really the weekend for me, but after work had some significant things to report. I was going with my daughter to the senior recital of one of her friends. It was at the church we attended for years. On the way in, I commented that people there would remember me. My daughter scoffed. We walked in, and the first person we saw from the church recognized me and hugged me. One point for me. While we were at the dessert reception we heard that there were power outages around our neighborhood. As we were driving home, we noticed the houses on our street had power, so we thought we were good. Unfortunately the four houses at the end of the street, including ours, had no power, so we took the dog for a walk in the dark, played a board game by flashlight light and went to bed early.
Saturday – There was no fun to be had on Saturday. There was, however, this post on the library’s Facebook page. If you click, you can see my pretty face and my favorite book. Be sure to like it so my employer thinks I’m popular.
Sunday – More cleaning, but there was a break in the evening when my son visited. We had dinner and then watched Game Night. I had seen it before, but I was the only one. I still enjoyed it and even my wife, who hates comedies, said she liked it. The fun was overshadowed by seeing posts online that Ellicott City was flooding again. I feel terrible for the residents and business owners who had just cleaned up from the last flood and now have lost everything again. I have to think this is the end for some of those businesses.
Monday – More cleaning. My daughter escaped and went to the annual carnival at the fire station. I miss the days when this was an annual trip as a family and not an annual thing he kids do with their friends. I didn’t even stop by to get carnival food this year. I finally did just stop working when I finished cleaning the kitchen around 5 last night and watched an episode of 13 Reasons Why and then the hockey game. If the house isn’t good enough for the people visiting by now then they need to just stay in a hotel instead.
Now I get a reprieve and a normal couple of days before I have extra people(and stress) in the house for 3 days on top of graduation and preparing for our trip.
I’ve been wishing all winter for a snow day. I’ve posted about how much I needed a snow day. Tomorrow the library will likely get a snow day. Problem is, I am scheduled to be on a 9:30am train to Philadelphia tomorrow. Figures that we would finally get a snow day when I am not going to work and when it might disrupt my travel.
I already deal with travel stress. I was spending way too much time debating over taking the Septa from the train station to the hotel or calling an Uber. I even considered walking, though the weather will make that less likely. Now I’m all stressed out over the possibility that the snow will cancel my train. I have no idea how much snow it takes to cancel Amtrak trains. Maybe it will just be a delay. It might be on time. Thing is, I don’t know and I can’t control it. It’s going to snow tonight and tomorrow. It’s going to snow over the entire route the train will take. This may or may not delay or cancel my train. I can’t change the weather. I can’t control the train schedules. It really does me no good to stress and worry about it. So, why can’t I stop stressing and worrying about it?
This is something I deal with quite a bit. Stress and anxiety over things I can’t control. I need to figure out how to stop this. Meditation? Medicine? I don’t know what it will take, but I know I would be much happier if I could just learn to stop this. There is no major commitment for me in Philly tomorrow, so if I’m hours late it won’t really matter. I would miss some stuff if I had to leave Thursday and that would suck, but it is not the end of the world. Why am I so stressed?