humor

The One Where Tater Thinks He’s Hilarious

One of the things I enjoy about Facebook memories and Timehop is the reminder that I think I’m hilarious. Here are some recent statuses that have popped up and other things I’ve sad that I Can remember:

Wife: Is there a Tuesday Morning in Annapolis? Me: Yes, Once a Week.

When I was a kid smoking crack meant you were standing too close to the fireplace.

Imagine when we were in high school telling someone you poked his sister and wrote on her wall.

I wanted to study abroad in high school, but I never could find one who would let me.

While in Finland – I don’t speak Finnish. I speak start.

I wish I had moves like Jagger, but instead, I got moobs like Meatloaf.

If you can’t figure out how to use a photocopier, you should not be allowed to reproduce.

You might catch flies with honey, but you catch more with bullshit.

I constantly make some sort of “naked” joke when they say a player is dressed for a game.

When my mom would leave the house when I was a kid she would say “If anyone calls I’ll be at the grocery store.” I would respond with “Where will you be if no one calls?”

I once picked up the second phone in the house while my mom was on a call, disguised my voice, pretended to be an operator and insisted she needed to insert more coins to continue the call.

Once, at dinner, someone asked “Do you wanna roll?” and I said “Sure” and then got down on the floor and rolled.

For some reason, no one else agrees with my assessment that I’m hilarious.

Unrelated advertisement – My son is doing a polar bear plunge to support the Chesapeake Climate Action Network. Click the link below to donate!

www.keepwintercold.org/bradley-simpson

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Reading Fails

I’m sure I’m not the only one who occasionally reads things wrong. You’re skimming something online or glance at a sign and at first glance you read a word wrong and it changes the meaning.  Here are a few of my most memorable reading fails:

I routinely look at a calendar that includes multiple sessions of a math lab. Every time I look at it I read it as meth lab.  While the meth lab would be a terrible thing to have at work, it would increase revenues.

I was walking down the street once and a truck drove by with what I read as Pet Pornography on the side. I was really confused until my brain caught up to my eyes and realized it was Pet Photography. I don’t want to think about what that says about my brain.

A local library recently posted an event called Plaque Your House. I think it was about getting your house registered as a historic building, maybe. I read it as Plague Your House. I wasn’t sure why anyone would want to do that. It seems like you would want to do the opposite.

Yesterday, I read a headline about Disney raising the pay of workers. The headline mentioned that it was in their new union contract. I first read it as unicorn contract. I need the unicorns to negotiate my salary next year.

I know there are a lot more in the past, but at the moment they escape me.

Do you have any funny reading fails? Share them in the comments.

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What’s Your Sign?

There are coupons in our staff lounge that are for one free child for each adult at the Baltimore Zoo. My first thought was that I don’t need another child, but then I wonder if they mean a human child or an animal child. If it is an animal child, I might reconsider, depending on the animal. One free child of any kind seems like a good deal, but possibly illegal. It’s an interesting promotion.

slowoutlet

The coupon made me think of other signs(I know the coupon was not a sign) that makes me wonder. There is the classic “Slow Children Playing” sign. I’m never sure if they mean slow mentally or physically but I see the “Slow Men Working” signs and I’m happy that the kids grew up and found a job. I see “No Outlet” signs on a lot of streets and I wonder how they use electrical appliances with no outlets. Maybe those are all Amish streets? One day I will go down one of those streets to investigate. There’s also the classic question of how the deer know that one particular location is where they are supposed to cross and couldn’t we make them cross the street at a more convenient location?

There was a daycare center on my route to my old job. The sign said it was MMA Daycare. I chose to believe that it meant it was a mixed martial arts daycare center and all of the kids were fighting every day after school. Someone I know shared the below sign. It sounds like an interesting fundraiser. I guess they want you to feel good about youself. I assume it can’t be too difficult to fight children with diabetes. diabees

Any funny or interesting signs you’ve seen?

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Digging Up Old Posts

There seems to be a trend on Twitter of people digging up old tweets to discredit or embarrass people. In many of these cases they are taking things out of context or finding jokes that they take to be serious statements. I look at Timehop every day. It’s fun to go back and see what was happening in my life in past years. I find that I post a lot of very similar things over the years. I never realized I was so predictable and boring. I’m also reminded(not that I needed a reminder) that I spend a lot of time trying to be funny on social media. I’m basically a bad comedian testing bad jokes online even though I never intend to ever actually be a comedian. This week I found the following post:

“I need to go back to sexual harassment training. I’m not sure I’m doing it right.”

I’m sure someone could take that post and try to use it to against me. I’m sure I have a lot of other bad jokes out there that are similar. One of the things I do the most in real life and online is pretend to be the guy who thinks everyone is in love with him.  I only do this with people who know me and know that I am the exact opposite of that guy(but everyone really is in love with me). This has probably resulted in a lot of bad jokes that, taken out of context, could be the types of old posts people are digging up to make people look bad online. I’m not really worried about it. I’m a nobody. No one will waste time trying to make me look bad. I can do that without help. I just thought it was interesting to see that post while seeing the Twitter situation.

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Some Song Lyric Thoughts

A song got stuck in my head today and it made me start thinking about some song lyrics and alternate meanings to the words. I jotted a few down and have added some thoughts. I only made it to five before my mind went blank. Feel free to add some in the comments.

Every move you make Every vow you break Every smile you fake Every claim you stake I’ll be watching you – I will start with an easy one and one where the lyrics mean exactly what they say. There are plenty of love songs out there that could qualify the singer as a stalker. This is the one that always comes to my mind. This is not love. This is creepy and someone needs a restraining order.

I’ve got a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you – If you have aa hole in your heart, you aren’t missing someone. You have a septal defect and should see a doctor. Most holes close on their own, though many may need surgery or a catheter-based procedure to close the hole. Symptoms can be treated with blood pressure medicines or diuretics.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you – There are multiple medical reasons that could account for numbness in the face. Since the numbness only occurs when you are with them, I would lean toward some sort of weird allergy, or they are poisoning you. Either way, I would recommend you stay away from them.

I’m addicted to you baby you’re a hard habit to break – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous can probably help you. Don’t be ashamed to seek help. Addiction is an illness.

I’ve got chills, they’re multiplyin and I’m losing control – The chills might be caused by a fever, but chills and a feeling of loss of control is most likely a panic attack. You should see your doctor about anti-anxiety medication and consider therapy as well. I am a little concerned about the secondary “electrifying” symptom.

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Sponsored National Parks

I just saw an article about the possibility of National Parks being sponsored by businesses. I don’t think naming rights are being discussed, but I took it upon myself to come up with some possible sponsored names of National Parks. Feel free to suggest some more in the comments.

Grand Canyon sponsored by Big Ass Fans becomes Big Ass Canyon

Yosemite National Park sponsored by Walmart becomes Yosemite Sam Walton National Park

Great Smokey Bones Bar and Grill Mountains

Woolite Mammoth Cave

French’s Yellowstone National Park

Ever Glade® National Park

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I Laugh in the Face of Day 28

I’m back to the real world after a weekend away with the church youth group. This is good news for the youth group, but bad news for the readers. I’m back to pretending I can write. Today’s post is supposed to be five things that make me laugh out loud. The problem is is that there is no consistency when it comes to what makes me laugh out loud. Some comedians I like make me laugh out loud sometimes, but other times they don’t. Same with TV shows and comedy movies are hit and miss. So, I am changing it up a bit and writing about when I am more likely to laugh out loud. You hear that writing challenge? You’re not the boss of me!

  1. With my family in KY: Sometimes this means I am laughing at them. Sometimes it means I am laughing with them. I laugh at my sister(after we know she isn’t hurt) when she falls trying to kick the ball in kickball. Obviously, she did not inherit any of the athletics genes in the family. I laugh with them when we are playing games and just sitting around talking. While I am quite obviously the most hilarious of the bunch, I have to admit that the rest of them can be pretty funny(and funny looking).
  2. With my friends: About once a month I get together with a group of friends. I still suspect I am there out of pity or something and that I am expendable. I also have proof that I bore them so much that I put them to sleep, but I still laugh a lot when I am there. Again, I am funnier than them, but they can make me laugh. Sometimes I’m laughing at my own jokes at their expense. That counts, right?
  3. With my Wife and Kids: Unfortunately, they do not think think I’m funny. I think their sense of humor is broken. It’s OK. I can laugh enough for all of us. My son is almost 20. It’s not too long until he will appreciate the “dad jokes”.

Hmm. That didn’t seem to work as I only have 3. I guess I will use an actual “something” or “someone” for the final two. I’ve failed at my rebellion from the challenge demands.

4. Stephen Lynch Songs and Jim Gaffigan : An extremely inappropriate and politically incorrect singing comedian and the family friendly Gaffigan are the two people who consistently make me laugh. Lynch is the only comedian I have paid to see in concert and I would pay to see Gaffigan if I could get someone to go with me. Weird that two totally different comedians can make me laugh, but I’m weird, so it works.

5. Galavant and Brooklyn 99: the only two TV shows that consistently make me laugh. They are also the only two TV comedies my wife will watch. That says something about how good they are, especially Galavant since it is also a musical.

 

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