Humor at the Worst of Times

I wrote in the middle of the lockdown about how there is a time to laugh, even in bad times.

This is the four year anniversary of the death of my mom. TimeHop and Facebook memories are reminding me every day of her death and my travel home for her funeral. They are tough memories, especially at a time when I am already struggling. Today’s memory, though, reminded me that you can find humor even at the worst of times. The below photo and caption is something I posted while at the funeral home when I saw my niece’s kid in this position. She was not as amused as I was.

There is a time to laugh. Sometimes even when it is time to cry as well.

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A Time to Cry…A Time to Laugh

WordPress has started up their daily prompts again and today’s word is joke. Joke Is a hard word for this point in time. Normally on April 1 I would be annoyed reading all of the stuff people are posting on Facebook and Twitter about how much they hate April Fools Day. I would guess that many people with we lived in a world today where we could pull random pranks on each other.

It is a hard time to be funny. I’m happy the late-night shows have returned in some format and that they are telling jokes. I’m happy to see some friends posting funny stuff on social media. I got way too bogged down in the news and forgot that humor can help alleviate stress and anxiety. You would think I would be better at that. I am the guy who took a picture of my niece’s baby in a car seat next to a trash can at the funeral home at my mom’s funeral and posted it with the caption “It’s a shame when people throw away a perfectly good Guatemalan baby” If I can find humor in one of the saddest times of my personal life I should be able to find ways to laugh in isolation. I think we can find ways to laugh while still taking this seriously.

So, watch stand up specials, watch sitcoms, laugh with your family. It will make you feel better and get us through this.

If you want to see some of my past attempts at humor click one of these.

The One Where Tater Thinks He’s Hilarious

Pondering Life’s Important Questions

What’s Your Sign?

I Learned to Knock that Day

 

 

 

The One Where Tater Thinks He’s Hilarious

Another update of a lighter post so I don’t depress everyone with more talk about quarantine

One of the things I enjoy about Facebook memories and Timehop is the reminder that I think I’m hilarious. Here are some recent statuses that have popped up and other things I’ve sad that I Can remember:

Wife: Is there a Tuesday Morning in Annapolis? Me: Yes, Once a Week.

When I was a kid smoking crack meant you were standing too close to the fireplace.

Imagine when we were in high school telling someone you poked his sister and wrote on her wall.

I wanted to study abroad in high school, but I never could find one who would let me.

While in Finland – I don’t speak Finnish. I speak start.

I wish I had moves like Jagger, but instead, I got moobs like Meatloaf.

If you can’t figure out how to use a photocopier, you should not be allowed to reproduce.

You might catch flies with honey, but you catch more with bullshit.

I constantly make some sort of “naked” joke when they say a player is dressed for a game.

When my mom would leave the house when I was a kid she would say “If anyone calls I’ll be at the grocery store.” I would respond with “Where will you be if no one calls?”

I once picked up the second phone in the house while my mom was on a call, disguised my voice, pretended to be an operator and insisted she needed to insert more coins to continue the call.

Once, at dinner, someone asked “Do you wanna roll?” and I said “Sure” and then got down on the floor and rolled.

For some reason, no one else agrees with my assessment that I’m hilarious.

Unrelated advertisement – My son is doing a polar bear plunge to support the Chesapeake Climate Action Network. Click the link below to donate!

www.keepwintercold.org/bradley-simpson

Pondering Life’s Important Questions

Spend some quarantine time pondering these questions.

As I wait for it to be time to go to work I ponder these deep questions:

Why is everything at Giant Foods normal sized?

Can you buy half and half and Whole Foods?

Can you drink Naked Tea while clothed?

Is a female paparazzi a mamarazzi?

Can I drink Honest Tea while telling a lie?

How do the streets with no outlets get electricity?

Why are there signs on highway entrances banning animals on foot when animals can’t read?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Am I allowed to record The Today Show and watch it tomorrow?

Related – Can I record the Tonight Show and watch it in the morning?

If the men working are slow why not hire faster workers instead of just posting signs telling us they are slow?

When you post as sign the says Now Hiring Friendly People does that mean everyone you hired before was unfriendly?

These questions might be responsible for my lack of sleep at night.

What’s Your Sign?

Resurrecting some lighter posts periodically to take my mind off things. I should do more posts like these. I like it a lot more than the sad ones lately.
There are coupons in our staff lounge that are for one free child for each adult at the Baltimore Zoo. My first thought was that I don’t need another child, but then I wonder if they mean a human child or an animal child. If it is an animal child, I might reconsider, depending on the animal. One free child of any kind seems like a good deal, but possibly illegal. It’s an interesting promotion.

slowoutlet

The coupon made me think of other signs(I know the coupon was not a sign) that makes me wonder. There is the classic “Slow Children Playing” sign. I’m never sure if they mean slow mentally or physically but I see the “Slow Men Working” signs and I’m happy that the kids grew up and found a job. I see “No Outlet” signs on a lot of streets and I wonder how they use electrical appliances with no outlets. Maybe those are all Amish streets? One day I will go down one of those streets to investigate. There’s also the classic question of how the deer know that one particular location is where they are supposed to cross and couldn’t we make them cross the street at a more convenient location?

There was a daycare center on my route to my old job. The sign said it was MMA Daycare. I chose to believe that it meant it was a mixed martial arts daycare center and all of the kids were fighting every day after school. Someone I know shared the below sign. It sounds like an interesting fundraiser. I guess they want you to feel good about youself. I assume it can’t be too difficult to fight children with diabetes. diabees

Any funny or interesting signs you’ve seen?

Tater’s Tips For Staying Healthy

The news is full of information on ways to stay healthy. I thought I would share some things I’ve learned over the past few days. I can’t believe all of the things I was doing wrong. Here are Tater’s Tips. Write them down. They are valuable.

  1. The proper thing to do with your hands after using the restroom is not waving them in the air like you just don’t care.
  2. In addition to refraining from touching your face, you should also refrain from touching other people’s faces, especially those people you don’t know.
  3. You should not clean keyboards by licking them no matter how tasty the crumbs inside look.
  4. A vampire sneeze/cough does not mean you should bite someone while sneezing/coughing.
  5. Social distancing does not give you permission to physically shove people away.
  6. They will call the police.
  7. You should refrain from hugging and kissing people. This is also pointed out in the harassment training I am taking at work.
  8. Don’t eat or drink after others even if the food they leave behind on the table in the restaurant looks good.
  9. Many people will comment about how good this is for introverts. Punching them probably counts as touching their face.
  10. They will also call the police.
  11. Think of all the germs on the handcuffs.

And there you have it. Tater’s tips for staying healthy. You’re welcome.

Fake Back Stories For Some of My Fake Bands

In a blogging group on Facebook Lorna from Gin & Lemonade suggested we post a link to our blog so others could read a few posts and suggest a topic. When I posted mine she suggested I write about two of the bands on my fake band name post that is pinned to the top of my blog. I haven’t updated in a while, but it is where I list phrases I hear in life that I think would make a good band name. I never really thought about a story for the bands, but I will give it a try.  I will start with the two she mentioned, but I will try a few more. Also – I would love to see these used in real life. If you know a band who needs a name, please use them..

Hipster Dude Ranch – This is a group of guys who thought it would be fun to “ironically” sing new versions of the old cowboy music of people like Roy Rogers. They soon had a following of other hipsters who love things that are done “ironically”. They perform at local craft breweries and coffee shops. They are universally hated by everyone outside their loyal following.

Tuesday Night Cake – A Sacramento based Cake cover band, They love Cake and love the fact they are from Sacramento. Unfortunately, there is not a high demand for a Cake cover band, even in Sacramento. They only play once a week – Tuesday nights at the bar at the Holiday Inn. Thus the name.

Transient Anus – Death metal band. They produce a lot of shitty music, but only on demand.

Unclean Widow – A band that formed at a grief support group when several members realized they all were musicians. The music is angry and sad and helps them process their grief. It’s also a good way to pick up guys who can also help them forget their grief for a while.

Amish Kindergarten – Acoustic band made up of friends who have known each other since they were 5. They all hate each other now, but they stick together in the hopes of making it big.

I guess i should go cook dinner now, so I will stop there.

Tater Updates Some Timberlake Lyrics

Apparently, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are anti-vaxxers.  I’ve decided to help them out in the cause by updating some of his lyrics so he can easily get his message out to his fans.

I’m Bringing Measles Back

I’m bringin’ measles back

Them other boys ain’t anti-vax

I’m anti-science cause it’s brains I lack

Don’t want my babies to have needle tracks

Spotty babe

You’ve got a fever baby

You don’t feel OK

My shoddy science says you’ll be OK

Let’s have a party let’s spread it all the way

That’s as far as got. I guess he’s on his own to finish the rest of the lyrics. I think it will be a hit with the anti-vaxxer crowd.

 

Reading Fails

I’m sure I’m not the only one who occasionally reads things wrong. You’re skimming something online or glance at a sign and at first glance you read a word wrong and it changes the meaning.  Here are a few of my most memorable reading fails:

I routinely look at a calendar that includes multiple sessions of a math lab. Every time I look at it I read it as meth lab.  While the meth lab would be a terrible thing to have at work, it would increase revenues.

I was walking down the street once and a truck drove by with what I read as Pet Pornography on the side. I was really confused until my brain caught up to my eyes and realized it was Pet Photography. I don’t want to think about what that says about my brain.

A local library recently posted an event called Plaque Your House. I think it was about getting your house registered as a historic building, maybe. I read it as Plague Your House. I wasn’t sure why anyone would want to do that. It seems like you would want to do the opposite.

Yesterday, I read a headline about Disney raising the pay of workers. The headline mentioned that it was in their new union contract. I first read it as unicorn contract. I need the unicorns to negotiate my salary next year.

I know there are a lot more in the past, but at the moment they escape me.

Do you have any funny reading fails? Share them in the comments.