Just a quick note for those who have followed my posts about my needing a change.
Today I moved from talking to action. I have submitted my first application for a new job. Same field, very different location. I will continue my search over my four day weekend.
Now that I’ve decided to stop balking at messing up my ability to retire in five years I feel free to look for a wide variety of jobs. I would rather be happy at work for 10 years than miserable for 5.
I will post any updates as they happen.
I know that might sound weird, especially for those who don’t know I worked in a jail library for 19 years. Jail was not always an easy place to work. Many days could be very stressful. I spent a lot of time trying to get out and was relieved when I was finally transferred. There are things I miss about it, though.
I worked Monday through Friday and 8-4 when I was at the jail. No weekend work.
I worked alone. I could do things my way and not deal with anyone else doing it wrong.
I worked alone so my day didn’t depend upon others actually showing up for work.
I worked alone so there was no one around to micromanage me.
I worked alone so I could go on vacation or call out sick without worrying about my absence creating work for others.
I could have problem customers removed from the library.
Customers were only allowed in the library for an hour and then they had to leave.
I worked alone. Have I mentioned that? I love some of my coworkers, but working alone can be very nice.
I was invisible. I mean, I am still basically invisible, but I suddenly become visible when someone wants me to do something they don’t want to do. I was always invisible in jail.
Maybe I can get them to transfer me back to jail…
A friend sent me a Creativity Jumpstart notebook a while back. I have not used it as much as I should. I get stuck a lot and it is very useful in helping me find something to write. Today’s post is brought to you by life lately and the following tweet she included in the notebook:
I can relate to that tweet completely, but, unfortunately, for a good portion of my achieving things, I didn’t have Netflix to get me through. I survived and even before Netflix TV was a big part of my life.
Mine has been a life of thinking that I would be happier if I could just achieve a certain thing.
Going to college was going to make me happier. I was still an awkward social outcast in college.
Graduating and getting a job was going to make me happier. My first job out of grad school was a contract job with no benefits and a terrible boss.
Getting a real job away from that boss was going to make me happier. I ended up back in jail.
Getting out of jail was going to make me happier It took 19 years, but I got out of jail. I was then in a weird, invisible position where no one respected me and I was still the jail guy.
Getting a transfer or a promotion to get an actual title was going to make me happier. What I got was that a title means nothing and I might be more invisible and less respected than I was when I was the jail guy.
I’ve spent years working toward some mythical place that was going to make me happy. I’m still not happy. I’m not happy because my focus on being happy was too career focused. My career was never going to be the source of my happiness. I’ve been reaching for happiness where happiness was not to be found. I will never move up in my career if I stay who I am and I refuse to be someone else. At least that is what people tell me.
So, if you need me, I will be in front of my TV watching Netflix and dreading leaving the house in the morning.
Once upon a time, in an office far, far away(Baltimore) I worked for a terrible person. I was a contract employee and, even if this person wasn’t terrible, would need to find a new job eventually. During this terrible time, I filled in as the librarian at the women’s prison for several months. It had the benefit of not being in the same office as the terrible person and I felt I was actually doing some good. I applied for the open position and the terrible person passed on hiring the person actually doing the job and hired someone else. At this time, I became more active in my job search. At some point, the terrible person found out I was looking for a new job and was furious. She called me in to her office and yelled about how I owed it to her to tell her I was looking so she could start thinking about a replacement for me. I wish I would have had it in me then to tell her why exactly I owed her nothing. I did eventually find a new job, but it was right back to jail. You can read some of that story here.
The above story is brought to you by me hearing about others who are concerned about what people will think if people here they might be looking for a new job. No one should worry about what people think about them looking for a new job. No one owes it to anyone to tell them they are looking for a new job. No one owes it to an employer to not look for new opportunities. What you owe your employer is this – do your best when you are at work. Do the job you are paid to do. That’s it. That’s all you owe them. Same goes for supervisors and coworkers. If you have a good relationship with them and you think they will support you, by all means, let them know, but you don’t need to tell anyone anything you don’t want to tell them. You do owe it to yourself to do what is best for you and your family. That’s it. End of story. This also applies to people who work for me(though I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t want to work for me forever).
There are lyrics to a Bowling for Soup song that apply here:
Follow your heart. Fuck everybody else.
If you have followed this blog(or my personal Facebook page) you will know that I have long contemplated my future career-wise. I have applied for promotions where I currently work. I have been turned down for promotions where I currently work. I think we are close to 20 times now that I have been turned down for a new job with my current employer. I have applied for multiple jobs at other organizations. I have been offered one job. You can read here about my decision to turn down the job offer. In that post, I talked about upcoming opportunities for change. Those opportunities did not pan out and now I am back to where I was before, contemplating my future.
There is a job opening right now that seems to be a good fit for me. It is a change, but not a major change. I would be doing a job similar to what I’m doing now. The commute would be manageable. It would not mess up my long term plans(I don’t think). It would rest my vacation, but I could deal with that. I’m still hesitating, though, before completing the application. Why? Various reasons. Various questions. Is 50 too old to make a major change like this? Do I really want to start all over at a new place? Do I want to give up the vacation I’ve accrued and start over? And the big one – Am I good enough?
Maybe the reason I’ve been turned down for so many jobs where I work is that they know me and know that I’m not good enough. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself all these years and I’m not actually good at what I do. Maybe they see all of my faults and they all add up to someone who would not succeed at these jobs. Maybe I’m better off staying where I am. What if I go somewhere else and they realize all of this and then I end up with no job? Maybe I should have stayed in my old position where I was basically invisible and it was less likely people would realize all of this. Maybe it’s time to admit to myself that it’s not them, it’s me and I should stop wasting my time.
I should approach the job thing like high school me approached dating. You can avoid all the inevitable rejection by not trying at all.
Last week I wrote about being awkward and attending conference. I am now back from the conference and thought I would report back on how I did with the social aspect.
When I arrived at the conference and headed into the keynote speaker, I hovered a bit while talking to someone I knew while waiting to see who was arriving and where they were sitting. I use the same strategy when I attend our all day staff development day for work. It’s always a mistake to sit and just go with the luck of the draw with who sits next to you. I can be a disaster. I did resist the impulse to go sit with the people from my library system, but it didn’t matter as I didn’t really talk to the handful of people who sat at my table. After the keynote, I attended the welcome reception. I found my friend from my branch and mostly talked to her and her husband, but I did venture over to talk to the conference chair who I know from working on the committee in the past. I did not succeed in mingling more than that.
The next morning I was up early to work the registration table. It gives me the opportunity to see everyone as they check in, but not an opportunity to really talk to people. I did have a short conversation with a couple of the people working with me and found a new coffee place to try while in town. Most of the rest of the day was spent in sessions and didn’t leave a lot of time to talk to people. I did chat with someone I know from previous conferences while in line at the bar and someone I have talked to via email about a project I’m working on. My pub quiz team was full of people I already knew.
Not much to say about the last day. Someone I worked with on a statewide committee years ago happened to sit at my table at the closing keynote and we said hello. That was about it.
I didn’t talk to anyone who could have any impact on my career. There were several CEO’s there, but never the opportunity to say more than hello as we walked past each other. I did better about talking to people I met before but didn’t really make an effort to meet new people. I have an even bigger challenge with this next month when I go to a national conference in DC. It will be harder to only talk to people with whom I already have a connection. It’s either reach out or stay quiet.
I leave tomorrow for a conference for work. This is the conference I’ve gone to every year for a long time. I spent years on the planning committee for the conference. I used to be the guy in charge of writing the pub quiz every year until I gave it up when I had other official duties and lost it forever. I’m still an active member of the steering committee for one of the divisions. I hope to be back on the conference committee next year. All of the above means that I will know plenty of people at the conference. You would think that would make it easier for me to mix and mingle at the social events. If you think that, you would be wrong. I am still a socially awkward introvert and it’s still not cool.
I’ve never been good at the social part of the conference. I’m terrible at using the conference as a networking opportunity. I did better at the conference I attended in the fall. I introduced myself to the new CEOs of two local library systems. I ate breakfast at a table with someone from Utah and contacted her later for information we had discussed. Maybe I can carry that over to this conference. It would be especially useful as I am getting closer to actively seeking employment elsewhere. It would be nice if people on the interview panels remembered me as the guy they met and liked and not the weird guy who stands quietly in the corner at the reception. It’s never good to be the weird guy standing quietly alone in the corner. It would also be nice for leaders at my current place of work to see that I am known and liked by others in the profession. Maybe it will make them care more about the possibility of losing me. I doubt it, but a man can dream.
So, tomorrow when the keynote is over and the welcome reception starts, I will make an effort to not just grab some food and look for people I know. I will make an effort to meet new people without being weird and awkward about it. I will do the same at the other social activities. Look for my post next week where I will talk about my failure to do this.
More on the topic of goals today. I was asked yesterday about goals and specifically asked if a certain job was my goal. It would have served me in the short term to just say yes, that is my career goal. Did I do that? Of course not. My problem over the years is that I am apparently unable to play the game that needs to be played to get ahead. The thing to do there was to say yes, my career goal is to be X, please hire me to do X. And yes, that is a current career goal. I would like to do X. I would be good at X. I don’t think there should be any question that I would be good at X. But is that my end goal? I really don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I get hired to do X and I’m very happy doing X and I want to do X for the rest of my work life. But the thing is, goals change. Life changes.
Maybe my wife gets a new job and we have to move. Doesn’t matter what my career goal was, now my career goal is to find a decent job in the new location. Maybe I win the lottery. Nw my career goal is to quit in a way that will not alert people that I won the lottery. Maybe I’m so good at my job I’m offered the chance to move to a higher level job and it is something that excites me. Now my career goal has moved up the ladder. Maybe I get a notification that a job I didn’t even know existed is open and it is the perfect situation for me. It would be hard to have that goal if I didn’t even know it could be a goal.
So, I guess my goal is to stay aware of opportunities, take chances and go for those opportunities when they arise and to know which opportunity is the right one for me.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, I’m sorry, but also, you know that I wrote recently about some “not resolutions” for this year. One of those involved making a change in my day-to-day life. In this post, I will talk about why my first major decision of 2019 was to opt not to make a major change in my day to day life.
I have talked before about how I feel that God has spoken to me in various ways, sometimes with a song. Early this month I had a very strong feeling that I was being told that this is the year that everything changes. I’m going to think positive and assume that these would be positive changes and that this is not just wishful thinking on my part. Last week, I was in Florida with my family. Thursday, we took a day off from the parks and relaxed at the resort. Thursday morning, I went to the tennis courts with my son. Standing on the courts in my summer clothes in January with no stress in my life, I felt more at peace with life than I have in a long time. After tennis, we spent the rest of the day relaxing at the pool. It was during this time, that I received the call that interrupted the peace. It was a call from a place where I had interviewed before Christmas. It was a job offer. A very generous job offer.
At first glance, it seemed like this is what I wanted. It was a chance to make a change in my daily life. It was a chance to make a change in my daily life and make more money. It would definitely make this the year that everything changed. It was hard to focus on talking to the HR person about everything while on vacation so I asked if I could be back in touch after I returned. I had a few more days to decide if this is what I really wanted. I tried to focus more on enjoying my time with my family than dwelling on the offer, but it would sneak into my head whenever I had a chance to relax. Eventually, it would be decision time.
Ultimately, it came down to this question: Is the short-term gain of more money and removing myself from a bad situation more important than my long-term goal of retiring when I hit my 30 years(6 more years). Also in the long term thinking – is it worth resetting where I stand with vacation hours, probably doubling(or more) my commute and going to the one place in the state where I know no one? Eventually, I had to admit that blowing up my long term plan for a short term gain would not be smart and I opted to stay put for now. There are some opportunities for change coming that would not mess up my long term goals and would not result in major changes in location. If those don’t pan out, there are plenty of places I could go that would keep my long term goals intact. I just need to be patient and not make a rash decision.
I can get back to that feeling of peace sooner rather than later if I can be patient and wait for the right place to jump.