The Urge to Fade Away

I might have written about this before. I’m pretty sure I’ve told the story from high school before. Regardless, you get it again because it is what is on my mind.

When I was in high school I was on the academic team. We would travel by bus to various schools to compete. When I was a junior, I would sit close to two senior girls and talk on the way to and from the events.

One day, the science teacher who was in charge of the team made a comment about me “following the girls around”. Me being someone who already struggled with self-esteem and feeling like I had any worth immediately assumed these girls were not my friends and that my presence was an annoyance. On the next trip, I made sure to get on the bus after them and sit several rows away. They got up and moved to where I was sitting, so in that one instance, I was assured I was not the problem.

This has stuck with me over the years, though, and I always reach a point where I start to think that people have grown weary of me and that I should fade away.

I make an effort to not be around the people I think are tired of me. I avoid places where they might be. I avoid conversation. I will say hello if I see them and move along. I do whatever I can to not overstay my welcome in someone’s life.

I get that feeling more and more at the farm. I think they appreciate the work I do and sometimes I feel more like part of the community. Then, I have days where I feel like I need to try not to have a reason to stop in the office to tell them something or ask a question. I feel like they appreciate me at a distance, but they would prefer I not be around.

I have days where I hope nothing will come up that requires me to go into the office.

I have days where I am happy to go pick fields so I am way out in the distance and away from people.

I feel that way with blogging sometimes. The thought that no one cares and that I should just stop.

Maybe being out of the country and away from everyone but my family for 10 days will give me the distance to stop thinking I need to disappear.


12 thoughts on “The Urge to Fade Away

  1. I think this vacation can’t start soon enough for you. You need a break to clear your head, experience new things, and enjoy being with your family. And I know what you mean about feeling like people like you from a distance.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think some of us would be happy to take your place to visit Egypt but it is most likely not in the cards for us. I often feel people want to talk to me too much and sometimes I just want to be incognito.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The problem is that any lack in self-worth (esteem/belief/confidence) causes these black little thoughts to grow and gain a disproportionately large level of importance. I’m so glad the girls on the bus came to find you to banish that teacher’s unnecessary comment. The problem comes when you don’t have those kind of scenarios to balance out your fears. Keep on keeping on, and one day the dark dam will break.

    You have a holiday coming up? Oooo… looking forward to reading about your experience.


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