Or ‘What’s Wrong with this Picture?”
Usually, in life, I would be the answer to these questions.
It hit me again yesterday when I had to go into the office at MTR to ask about a W2 for the brief time I worked there. There is someone new in the job now. I mentioned to the executive director how I was glad that he was fitting in so well. It also reminded me how much better he fits in the job and the MTR community than I ever have. The staff loves him. The barn leads love him. He has been embraced by the place more than I have been in the year I’ve been there.
I’m not saying they aren’t nice to me. They are very friendly. They make sure to thank me for my help. I enjoy my time there. But I don’t really fit in. I’ve not been embraced by the staff or the volunteer community. I’m just some guy who shows up occasionally to do some work. If I left I would be forgotten a few days after I was gone.
It was the same in the library world. I was in the same organization for over 20 years. They didn’t care when I left. I think they were happy I left. I’m sure I was generally forgotten soon after I left. The same goes for the state level library work I did.
It was the same for the church. I left my original church where I worked with a youth group there for 15 years and no one ever called to talk to me about why or to ask me to come back. I have not been to my most recent church for a few weeks. No one has checked in to see why I’m not there even though I have been there every Sunday for years.
I am the expendable one in every group. Work, church, friend groups, book club.
I’ve never really fit anywhere. Most days I have learned to live with it. Some days. like yesterday, I get the reminder and I have a difficult couple of days.
Thanks for indulging me in my post of self-pity. Tune in tomorrow when I go back to more pleasant topics like books and TV.
The World's Common Tater 
I’m sure there are people who do appreciate you. They may be too self absorbed in their daily tasks to express their feelings.
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We all forget people quickly. Even the good ones. I am glad the hard memories of some of my rough middle school students with IEPs is forgotten as is their name. Some of the students who gave me gifts I remember because I see the sand bottle, the pencil holders in my office. Some I want them to forget me and the rough times and some I want to remember or be remembered as the one who was there for awhile for them.
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Hang in there. I have noticed in the last several years that I am also apparently easily forgotten. I made a decision a while ago to stop being the one to reach out. It has been an eye-opening realization of just how many people I have not heard from since. Initially, it was just an experiment because I noticed I was always the one to initiate texts, calls and visits. I didn’t make an announcement, I just didn’t reach out. For most, it has resulted in radio silence. Days stretched to weeks, then months and now years without contact. These are not acquaintances, these are family and people I considered close friends. At first, I was startled, then I was hurt, then I got angry, then I did some soul searching. I came to the realization that I don’t have the bandwidth to expend energy on people who do not reciprocate at least a little bit. I know everyone is busy. Hell, I literally work three jobs and help to co-parent a two year old. I understand busy. What I don’t understand is being careless with people. So I now have a much, much, much smaller circle of people around me. I also now have more energy to spend on those that are invested in a relationship with me. I consider it a win.
Oh, and I would be very sad and have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day if you suddenly disappeared from my inbox. I look forward to your musings.
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I know how you feel. Besides my siblings, I hear from no one unless I reach out first
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I’m sorry that you’re feeling down. Based on your description, I understand why that is. It’s hurtful. I hope things turn around for you soon. Maybe once you pick a church and settle in, things will turn for the better.
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Thanks. I’m hoping I will settle in at a church soon
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