I didn’t plan to write this. I thought about it but then decided to do my general life year in review post. I started writing that one, but I couldn’t get pictures to upload. I guess I was meant to write this one.
I have not been secret about the fact that I started weekly therapy a couple of years ago. I started therapy when a crappy job, a terrible boss, and the pandemic all combined to send my mental health into a serious downward spiral.
The spiral was new and much worse than I had ever experienced, but I had quietly dealt with anxiety and depression for years. My main issue is anxiety. Anxiety is a constant presence in my life. I am feeling anxious now about a few things. The anxiety today is low and manageable. Sometimes the anxiety gets to a level that makes it hard to function. Less so since I have started therapy and am learning tools to get through it.
The depression is more sporadic. Fortunately, I have never reached a level of depression where I have considered suicide. I have, however, spent most of my life assuming most people would be fine if I didn’t exist. Some would be happier. Most wouldn’t care at all. There were times when the only thing keeping me from disappearing from my life was my kids. They were the only ones I thought would care if I wasn’t there.
I never wanted to die, but I had plenty of days when I thought it wouldn’t be terrible to have an accident that put me in a coma so I could escape the feeling of being unloved and unwanted for a while.
I talk about it now. I didn’t use to talk about it. There are many people out there who still don’t talk about it. They are people you love, They are people you see every day. They are people who might seem happy. They are people who laugh and joke.
Be kind. Tell people they matter to you. Check on the people you love. we might not be OK.