One long term aspect of my anxiety has been the thought that eventually I wear out my welcome with people and they just want me to go away. Of course, it’s possible that it is not my anxiety and that people really do get tired of my quickly and want me to go away Either way, I always eventually get to a point where I feel like I’m annoying a friend and I need to make myself scarce for awhile. Some of this was probably fueled by a teacher who was in charge of the academic team in high school, When I was a junior I spent a lot of time traveling to and from meets talking to two senior girls. The teacher made a comment to me about me “following the girls around too much” so when I got on the bus after that I made sure to sit far away from the people I thought were my friends. Even though they eventually would move to sit closer to me again, I never truly believed I wasn’t annoying them. That became a constant in my life. I would eventually start to wonder if I was once again being annoying and inserting myself into the lives of people who didn’t want me around. Anxiety and self esteem issues suck and it doesn’t help when a very respected teacher helps to fuel them.
What does all of this have to do with blogging? Last week I was feeling pretty good about the blog thing. I wasn’t dealing with any writer’s block. I felt good about what I was writing. My stats were up. People were liking my posts. People commented on my posts. It was all good. And then this week it started going the other direction. I still didn’t have writer’s block. I still felt good about what I was writing. I promised my therapist that I wasn’t going to get caught up in the numbers. I was going to write for me. Blogging is good for my mental health. Blogging makes me feel good as long as I don’t get caught up in the numbers. The good feeling about the blogging was at a good time because I hit a block with my other writing. It seems I was correct all those years when I said I didn’t have a book in me. The blogging was a good way to keep writing while I figure out if I can transition to a short form writing that might pay enough to keep me from going back to a real job. The high was good balance for that low.
Over the past few days, the interaction on the blog has fallen to its lowest level in a while. I try not to get stuck on that, but it’s hard not to dwell. There are many things that probably contribute to this. The weather is nice. Restrictions are lifting. People have more options and aren’t at home reading blog posts. I stopped sharing posts to me personal Facebook and only share them to the Tater page. Why? I assumed my posts on my personal page were annoying people.
Where did my head go yesterday? People stopped reading my blog because they are tired of me. I should take a break from blogging because at this point I’m just an annoyance. The few people still reading and liking my posts are doing it to be nice or out of obligation and would be happier if I went away. My anxiety and that lingering feeling that eventually people grow tired of me told me to just stop posting, Obviously, I didn’t listen because here I am posting again.
Of course, I could be correct that people are tired of me.