As I mentioned in a post last week, I started to hit lows in my mood midweek. The lows continued as the week went on, Any high I got from my volunteer work Thursday morning was wiped out by frustration during a situation Thursday afternoon. My lows in regards to my writing increased when the views on my blog hit lows at the end of the week. The high of knowing that another family member was able to get the vaccine was accompanied by the low of knowing it will likely be a few months before I get mine. It will be a challenge to resist the urge to just shit down for a while.
The thought of taking a blog hiatus did cross my mind late last week. I try to continue to write for myself and not obsess over stats, but there is always that part of me that thinks “Why bother writing anything if no one is going to read it?” It’s easy to consider giving up when you think about the fact that you are boring and even more boring now that you don’t really leave the house. It’s hard to be a blogger when you are boring. It would be easy to just shut this down for a while. Would it really matter if The World’s Common Tater just disappeared? I think not.
The same give up urge is at work with any other writing as well. No one is ever going to read what I’m writing, so why am I wasting my time writing it? What’s the point? As much as I would love to think I could write my way into never needing to get a job out of the house again, I know that isn’t going to happen. I might as well give up and find a job. Any job. As quick as possible Not the right job. Just a job. At least then I wouldn’t feel like a failure. A paycheck would make me a useful person again. The right job might even fix that pesky vaccine issue.
Today I am going to take a break from what I’ve been doing. I’m going to get breakfast. I’m going to do dishes. I’m going to clean the bathrooms. I’m going to take the dog for a walk. I’m going to read. We will see where I’m at tomorrow.
The urge to give up is strong. It’s hard to “do something for yourself” when you have been conditioned your entire life that you don’t matter. If I don’t matter and what I’m doing is for me, then what I’m doing doesn’t matter. At least a toxic job resulted in a paycheck. What’s the point now?