Words and My Weird Brain

The Golden Globes were this weekend. My memories reminded me of something I posted during the red carpet phase of an award show. This reminded me of a variety of phrases that can be taken a different way than they are intended. Here are a few starting with the red carpet question:

Who are you wearing? This makes me think of Silence of the Lambs and Buffalo Bill removing his victims skin. Who am I wearing? The last person who asked me a stupid question.

We had a group who used the meeting room at the library called the baby wearers. I thought – Baby wearer? How much pelt can you possibly get from a baby? You can maybe make a small hat. Or maybe they are combining the babies to make a nice coat? I’m just shocked we let them do it in the library.

She has the body of a 20 year old. So do I. It’s in a freezer in my basement.

He has his father’s eyes I have my father’s eyes. They’re in a jar next to the freezer.

Do you have Native American blood? Yes. It’s in a vial I wear around my neck.

My pastor once told us to go out and touch the community. I used to do that. The police told me to stop.

I was at a professional conference. The conference had a code of conduct. In an awards ceremony they said the recipient of the award touched everyone in the room I said “I’m pretty sure that goes against the conference code of conduct”

Did you study abroad in college? No. I never could find one who would let me.

I keep getting emails suggesting I follow a Tumblr. I did that once. I’m no longer allowed at gymnastics competitions.

The next few I posted before, but I will add here rather than a link to that post.

My wife – Is there a Tuesday Morning in Annapolis? Me – Yes, Once a week.

At work after helping someone with the copier – If you can’t figure out how to use a photocopier you shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.

When I was a kid my mom would says as she was leaving the house “If anyone calls, I will be at the grocery store” and I would say “And where will you be if no one calls?”

And I will end with a personal favorite – When I was a kid smoking crack meant you were standing too close to the fireplace.

Do you have any to add?


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