I was fortunate that my day back to work after my sick day was my evening day. I had a few more hours to rest up and be ready to return. I was able to sleep until 8 and then ease into my day. I’m still not 100% but I feel physically able to return to the real world. Mentally and emotionally is another story. A day and a half off gave me time for contemplation during my time dozing on the couch and watching TV.
The contemplation actually started on Sunday when the Kobe news coincided with my daughter moving back to school. I can’t claim to have been a big Kobe fan. I watch a lot of college basketball, but never really watch the NBA. My reaction to the Kobe news was more a reaction to the loss of someone 10 years younger than me and then to the news of the kids who were killed along with him. My reaction as a father was to how terrible it must have been knowing your daughter was going to die and you could not protect them. I don’t even want to think about that, It makes me physically ill.
The loss of Kobe and the other adults made me think about how short life can be and how you never know how much time you have left. If you knew your time was up would you be happy with how you spent your last days? Would you be happy with the way you are leaving the world? If not, maybe it is time to make a change. I can’t say that I can answer positively to those questions. I spend my days in a situation that makes me physically ill at the thought of leaving the house. It negatively affects my physical and mental health and has made me a difficult person to live with. I’m sad and depressed and on edge and not pleasant to be around. Is this the legacy I want to leave? Why am I spending my days in a place like this? A change is in order even if it means a total change of career.
When I’m not at work am I doing anything that makes a difference in the world? I no longer work with a youth group at a church. I no longer coach youth sports. I don’t really do much of anything. I work and then I go home and never leave the house. I think I probably need to change the above before I am ready to change this one, but I need to feel like I’m doing something that matters.
I saw an article today about Shaq saying he was going to call people he has beefs with and make up before it is too late. I need to think about my relationships with people and consider reaching out to those I need to reconnect with or make amends with before it is too late. I need to be better at maintaining friendships and making friends in general. It’s too easy to become isolated and hermity and not talk to anyone. While I say I am a future hermit I don’t really mean I never want to talk to anyone. What I mean is that I want to experience the world and people when I choose not because it is my job. Friends are important.
So, how much of this will I really change? I hope this isn’t all just words that I forget about when I’m rambling about something else tomorrow. I hope I use this contemplation to start moving toward a happier and healthier me.
dad, librarian, UK fan, Ravens fan, future hermit