I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop for a while. I typed some stuff. It was all sad stuff abut how I’ve only got four more days until my daughter goes back to school and I spend more time alone. I had some sad stuff in there about how my daily life sucks and I feel physically ill at the thought of leaving the house. I deleted it all. It’s all true. It’s also true that it may get worse in the fall when there is a chance my daughter will study abroad and my son will be in school a couple of hours away. I didn’t delete it because it isn’t true. I deleted it because it was poorly written and isn’t really helpful. All the stuff above is stuff that will happen. I can’t change any of that. I will have more time alone soon. I might have even more time alone in the fall. I’m heading in the direction of my kids permanently living somewhere else. I can’t change it but I can change some things.
I can change my daily life issues by finally taking steps to find something new even if it does mess up my retirement date. I can’t do this for five more years. I would rather be happier at work and work longer than be miserable for five years. I just need to find the right job for me or convince my wife we can live on her salary alone.
I can change my after-work life. I don’t have to sit at home alone for several hours. I can get out of the house even if it is just to take the dog for a walk even if it is cold and dark. I can treat myself to a movie on my Fridays off. I can do more to take my mind off my day until I fix my days.
I can convince my wife to so more day trips and fun stuff on weekends. Too many of our weekends have become days to clean the house or for my wife to spend more time working. I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking weekend time to refresh and recharge.
I’ve said all the before. I need to move from saying it to doing it. I’ve let other people and situations drain me to the point that it is easier to sit and mope than to do anything to fix it. I can’t change toxic people and toxic situations. Others who could won’t. It’s time for me to practice more self-care and do what I can to remove myself from the toxicity because maintaining the status quo is slowly killing me. It’s time to wake up and make some changes.
dad, librarian, UK fan, Ravens fan, future hermit