You’ve probably noticed that not been writing a lot lately. You might be happy that I’ve not been writing a lot lately. Maybe you didn’t notice. I don’t know what you do with your time. In case you missed it – I have not been writing a lot lately. Lorna over and Gin & Lemonade asked on Facebook who was up for a blog a day challenge and I decided to join in. The problem is – I still don’t really feel like writing. So, I decided to use the first post to try to write about why I’m not writing.
Part of the problem is as simple as a change in schedule. Not my schedule. My wife’s schedule. I was in a groove of writing after work instead of in the morning. I would come home, change clothes, take the dog for a walk and then watch a TV show while vomiting up a blog post. The last few weeks my wife has been home on Monday and Tuesday so I didn’t come home to an empty house. That’s a positive for the most part, but it is not conducive to writing. I find it hard to write when others are here. She’s here now, but she was on a call, so I had time to start this. Now it sounds like she is done, so who knows when I will write the rest.
The bigger problem is frame of mind. My days can be mentally and emotionally draining. Part of it is the public. Most of it is a particular person who makes my days more stressful and toxic than should be allowed. It’s hard to come home and do anything after dealing with a toxic person who has control over your days. I just want to watch TV and not think. This is also a hard time of year for me. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom’s death. This time of year was when I was driving home a lot to see here when I knew my time with her was limited. I still struggle with my decision to not go home to be there at the end. I wanted my last memories to be better and I’ve always felt bad about that. Like I failed her. So, depression, grief, and mental exhaustion makes it hard to feel like vomiting words on a blog.
Finally, I’m boring. I don’t have the type of life that gives me a lot of stories for a blog. It’s hard to be a blogger when you’re boring.
So, that’s why I’m struggling to write. Who knows if the blog a day challenge will work. We will see,
3 thoughts on “Why I’m Not Writing…I Think”
Firstly, you are not boring!
And secondly, I know the feeling. I don’t have the energy, or get up and go to blog properly, at the moment!
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I wouldn’t say you’re boring. You may write about the mundane, but it’s your writing style that takes it out of mundane. In other words your humor and righteous anger, e.g., make things interesting that one might not normally say are interesting. It’s perfectly natural, btw, for you to be feeling the way you do at this particular time this particular year. The only thing you shouldn’t be feeling is guilt over not being there at the very end. You made a good choice, and your mother would never hold it against you that you weren’t there. She probably would rather you have better memories, though I didn’t know her at all so that’s just my Pollyanna take on things. Believe me when I say that even though I’m glad I was at my mother’s side when she passed, it would have been nice not to have the memory of her last couple of days, how she looked, so prominent. Even worse, my daughter hadn’t gotten to see her for a while, and that is what she was left with for the last time she did. We do have great memories other than that, and I try to forget the last. So I don’t know whether that helps or not, but there you have it. My perspective, having gone through this with both parents. My experience with my mother’s death was worse than with my father’s, probably because hers was more sudden.
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And now I’m sort of weeping. Sigh.